Install Node.js on a Raspberry Pi 3

If like me you’ve been struggling to simply install node on your Pi and beginning to question your sanity, you’ve found refuge here. I initially tried several different tutorials online but they all would corrupt my OS, leading me to re-image my SD card and try again. After detailing my struggles in a desperate stackexchange post, I was saved by a user named hcheung who linked to another answer by Grmpfhmbl. These posts showed me I could just manually download the binaries from the node.js site instead of trying to use apt-get. I thought it might be helpful to convert these answers to a bash script, which you can find below.